


Let's Get Stoned In My Basement (The Casserole)

by purplegoose



Series: Boyf Riends [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Baking, Depression, First Time, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nervousness, New Couple, Smut, jeremy and michael are in a relationship, right after the squip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:33:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25457830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplegoose/pseuds/purplegoose
Summary: Michael Mell has to make a casserole for his mom, and he decides to bring his new boyfriend home to help. Things get a little intense after they do some weed in the basement.Jeremy Heere goes to his boyfriend's house to help him make some food for his mom. Wracked with nerves, Jeremy is terrified of messing up as he and Michael decided to smoke up.(Follows the immediately after the events of "Be More Chill (Two Person Pov)" and is part of the Boyf Riends series.)
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: Boyf Riends [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835641
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. Michael

**Author's Note:**

> tw references to self harm, references to past suicide attempt, depictions of electrocution scars, panic attack, smut, and two idiots not knowing how the other is feeling

The ignition flipped off as I twisted and pulled the key out. The radio flipped off and silence fell over the both of us again.

I twisted around in my seat to grab my backpack and headphones, just barely noticing the windbreaker clad arm reaching for something next to me. 

Jeremy grabbed both of our backpacks and jumped out of the car. He bolted for the front door and then keeled over wheezing. 

My eyes hurt from rolling them so hard. The white headphones found their way back around my neck, and I stepped out of my car. The keys moved from my fingers to my hoodie pocket as I walked up the steps to aid my favorite dumbass.

“I- I just- Gimme a sec- Jesus!” Jeremy had both of his hands on his knees as the backpacks sat beside him on the concrete steps.

I grabbed a strap from each bag and threw them over my shoulders respectively. “Take all the time you need, I’m going inside where there’s stuff like water and your emergency inhaler.”

Jeremy’s garbled protests fell short on my ears as I fished the key from out of the flower basket and unlocked the door. The key became reburied under a white flower, and I left the door open so he could follow me. 

Both backpacks made a heavy plopping noise as I threw them onto the couch in the living room. As I walked across the threshold to get to the kitchen, I heard Jeremy clammer inside, muttering something under his breath. 

On the fridge, my mom, (My adoptive mother, but she was the only person I was comfortable calling mom.) Nadia, had attached a sticky note to my sticky note.

_ “Ok, that’s fine. Thank you for telling me! I’m working late today, so I probably won’t see you until 7:00 or later (stupid paperwork) text me where you are so I can bring dinner home to the right spot :)” _

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and scrolled to her contact to text her. Nadia had done so much for me, she needed a break from having to work  _ and _ cook all of the time. 

_ Me: Hey, I’m at home rn, and I was wondering if I could try to make dinner _

_ Me: If that’s ok, I mean _

Before the phone could be returned to my back pocket, it buzzed in my hand. 

_ Nadia <3: Oh my goodness, that’s so sweet, Honey! _

_ Nadia <3: If you wanna make dinner, go for it, but if you’d rather me just pick up something that’s totally fine too _

_ Nadia <3: Should we invite Mr. Heere over? He texted me saying that Jeremy was out of the hospital, and I’m sure that you’d love to see him, if you haven’t already ;) _

_ Me: oh my god Nadia chill _

_ Me: yeah, Jeremy came to see me at school and now we’re at home _

_ Nadia <3: just be safe ;) _

_ Me: NADIA _

_ Nadia <3: I’ll text Mr. Heere then _

_ Me: I’ll make the casserole! _

A hand snaked around my waist, and I jumped away, almost smacking into the fridge in front of me.

“Oh Jeez! Jeremy, God- Don’t scare me like that!” I held the phone to my chest and looked at my friend- No, boyfriend (I had to get used to saying that.) up and down.

“S-sorry. I thought- I didn’t mean. Are you ok?” A blush started creeping up his face as he scrunched his nose up.

I sighed and shoved my phone in my back pocket. “Yeah, sorry, I just didn’t hear you, and it startled me.”

Jeremy nodded and looked down, keeping his eyes locked on my checkered vans.

“Jer, you ok? You know that I’m not mad, right?”   


He pressed his lips together and stood there silently. Some fluffy clumps of his wavy hair fell into his eyes.

Slowly, I opened my arms and walked over to him. The side of my face pressed against the top of his shoulder, scratching against the synthetic windbreaker. My arms wrapped around him and held him tight. 

Hesitantly, two arms wrapped around me. I could feel how warm Jeremy was through my red hoodie. I didn’t hate it. 

His grip tightened and we swayed a bit in tune to the humming of the dishwasher. 

“I still feel bad, I didn’t mean to startle you.”   


I laughed. “Jer, no offense, but you’re probably gonna end up startling me a lot. I’m not used to this.”

His hand moved from the middle of my back to hovering over my shoulder blade. “I’m not either, but I don’t think that I should make you scared every time I come near you.”

“Jeremy-” I pulled away from him and looked him right in the eyes. “-I just didn’t hear you come up from behind me. It’s ok. No harm no foul. I happen to like it when you come near me.”   


His gaze fell back down, this time focusing on my chest. “I just- I had hurt you so bad before, and now I don’t wanna mess anything up.” Jeremy’s voice was barely considered a whisper from how quiet it was. 

“You apologized, I forgave you, and I know that we’d both do things differently if we could go back.”   


Jeremy looked back up at me, confusion flickering around in his blue eyes.

“Now-” I tapped his shoulder like I was doing a miniature drumroll. “-I think that Nadia is inviting you and your dad over for dinner, so we gotta make some casserole. Are you two still Kosher?”

He rolled his eyes. “Michael, I’ve been eating the same foods since you’ve met me.”   


I shrugged my shoulders. “Hey, things change, and I know that you guys aren’t super strict about it but try to follow the main stuff. I think we have enough frozen veggies, but I don’t know if we have enough cheese. But I do know that I will not be putting chicken in the dish, just for you.”   


Jeremy smiled and shook his head. 

I spun around on my heel and opened the freezer. “Aha! We do have enough veggies.” A devilish thought crossed my mind. “Catch!”

My hand wrapped around the package and then chucked it over my shoulder. Jeremy yelped behind me and then the sound of someone running into the counter followed shortly after. 

I spun back around and ran over to help him. 

“Not. Fair.” He glared at me and held his side gingerly.

“Oh-” My hand rested over his. “-Do you want me to kiss it to make it feel better?”   


The blush started creeping back up his face, starting at the base of his neck. 

I grabbed his face and brought his soft lips over to mine. Short and sweet.

His blush grew darker.

I swiped the vegetables from the counter and got a bowl from the cabinet. After putting some water in the bottom, I shoved the thing in the microwave for one minute. (After making an airhole in the bag, of course.)

In the fridge, we also had some shredded cheese, but I didn’t know if it was enough. 

There wasn’t much shredded cheese, but this probably would have been better as a creamy dish anyway. 

Milk, cream cheese, butter, and some juice stayed wrapped up in my hands as I closed the door with my hip. 

“Hey, Jer, can you get the casserole dish? I think it’s in the one next to the oven.”

He nodded, a small smile still gracing his face.

I set all of my cold items down on the counter and started looking for the salt and pepper. All of the spices were next to the microwave, but would those be kept with the spices? 

They were.

I pulled the saucepan out from the side of the oven opposite to Jeremy and turned on the burner, ignoring the beeping of the microwave.

“Uh, Michael?”

“Yes?”

“I can’t find it.”  
My mouth twitched into a smile. “Do you need my assistance?”

“Yeah.”

I slid over and crouched down to see the assortment of cooking and baking dishes we had in the cabinet. The side of my leg pressed against Jeremy’s as I rummaged around. 

I leaned into the touch and snaked my arm under his before finding the glass dish.

“Here you go.” The dish was transferred from my grasp to his. 

He looked at me meekly and pressed his lips together as he stood up.

“Could you also get the flour? Or do you need help with that too?” 

That earned me another glare. Jeremy set the casserole dish down on the counter and marched over to the pantry, muttering under his breath once again.

I rolled my eyes.

A small chunk of butter got cut off of the stick and flicked into the saucepan. Jeremy set the flour next to me a bit harshly. I tried not to flinch, since he had felt so bad earlier, but it wasn’t completely hideable. He didn’t say anything, so maybe he didn’t notice.

Some flour got shaken into the pan, and once it was evenly toasted, I added the milk and the “seasoning.”

“How do you just know all of this stuff?” Jeremy leaned against the counter next to me.

“If you make enough Hamburger Helper, after a while, you just remember things.”

He made a small “o” shape with his mouth and went back to watching me stir the concoction in the pan with a whisk. 

Once it was thick enough, I added the cream cheese in. 

Some of it plopped down too hard and splashed up. The hot liquid landed on my hand. 

“Shit, Michael! Come here.” Jeremy tugged on my sleeve and pulled me in close.

He inspected the “injury” and brought my hand over to the sink next to him. Jeremy ran cold water over my hand and dried it off meticulously with the towel hanging on the handle of the dishwasher. 

A tight feeling spread throughout my chest as he checked over me with much tender and care.

“I didn’t even feel it, it’s ok.” I looked up at him, the smile on my face was starting to hurt.

“I don’t care if you didn’t even ‘feel it.’ I refuse to let you be an idiot and hurt yourself.” 

The tight feeling changed. It wasn’t as nice anymore. It was sharper and less evenly dispersed. 

I withdrew my hand and shook my head at him. The sauce needed to be whisked. 

The metal whisk made small scraping noises until the whole thing was smoother than a baby’s bottom. 

The heat turned off it a click, and I gathered up the cold items, spare the juice, and put them back in the fridge. 

Jeremy grabbed the veggies from the microwave and set the bowl down next to the stovetop. He grabbed the corners of the bag and pulled up, letting the de thawed vegetables spill out and pile up in the ceramic bowl. 

I snatched the glass casserole dish and set it down next to the bowl, making sure to press my side against Jeremy and intertwine our arms as I got everything sorted. 

He stiffened up next to me, heat radiating from him. 

The veggies went down in a mostly even layer, and the sauce was poured on top. I was too lazy to get a spatula, so I managed to use the whisk to fold the goop in so everything was covered. 

“Hey, could you get the shredded cheese out of the fridge, so I can put it on top?”

Jeremy nodded and slid his arm out from under mine. 

It was a little cold without him right next to me, was it bad that I missed it?   


He came back and started sprinkling the cheese on the dish. Once he found the amount satisfactory, he zipped up the bag and put it back in the fridge. 

I grabbed two glasses and opened the juice container that was sitting on the counter.

“Here, your reward.” I thrusted the drink towards his chest.

Jeremy took the glass, his hands brushing against mine briefly. How was he so warm all of the time? I was over here freezing my ass off while he was a literal furnace. 

“Thank you, Michael, what kind is it?”

I used my free arm and shoved the container behind me. “You gotta find out.”

He squinted at me and took a sip. “Oh, mango?”

“Nope. Papaya.”

He raised his eyebrows and took another sip. “Huh, well it’s not bad.”

“Jeremy Heere, you take that back. It is fucking delicious.” 

His glass was set down on the counter with a small clink. He stepped forward and delicately cupped my face. Jeremy pulled my lips to his, and I sighed when we connected.

“Hmm-” He murmured against my lips. “-It tastes better like this.” 

Now we were both blushing. 

I broke away and grabbed the casserole dish. “Uh, twenty-five minutes.” 

He rolled his eyes and took the dish from me. Jeremy popped it in the oven and set the timer on the microwave. 

“Now-” I set my glass down on the counter. “-I need to work on an essay, but I’m only gonna work until the timer goes off.”   


J eremy cocked his head to the side and looked at me.

“Then, why don’t we have some fun afterwards?”

His blush deepened. 

“Wait, that sounds bad. I meant that I have some weed, I mean if you want- Nevermind. Let’s just go sit in the living room.”   


Jeremy nodded and took my hand. He grabbed my backpack and led both of us to the couch. “I showed up too late to get any late work, so I’m just gonna annoy you by playing music loudly on my phone while I try to beat my Crossy Road high score.”   


I rolled my eyes and pulled my laptop out from my backpack. 

While I was doing so, Jeremy lied down on the couch, leaving no room for me to sit. 

Guess I just had to make my own seat. 

I shoved his arms up and lied down on top of him. Using his thighs as armrests and letting my head rest against his stomach. My shoes flipped off of my feet, and then I set them on top of the armrest of the couch. The laptop rested on my stomach, the back of it pressing against my thighs through my jeans. 

Jeremy was holding his breath as I got settled. I looked up at him only to see that he was redder than Mario’s hat. 

“Problem?” I asked.

“N-no.” 

I smiled and started working on my essay.

After a while, Jeremy relaxed and used my head as a phone stand. Even though I ended up finishing (Except for the conclusion paragraph, but that would have been a piece of cake.) before the timer went off, I still stayed there on the couch and just listened to Jeremy get frustrated over speeding trucks coming out of nowhere. 

The timer went off and we both stood up begrudgingly. 

I pulled the casserole out of the oven and set it on top of the stove. “When our parents get here, I can throw it back in for a few minutes, and then we can eat.”

Jeremy nodded, setting the empty glasses from earlier in the sink and putting the juice in the fridge. 

“So, you wanna go downstairs?”

Jeremy grinned, grabbing my hand and pulling me downstairs.

“Whoa, your room looks like an actual room now, what happened?” He flicked on the light switch.

A big, fuzzy black carpet covered most of the hardwood floor, and various posters from old bands and various video games hung up on the walls. A puffy red duvet cover covered my bed, and a reddish-orange lava lamp sat on my new white nightstand. There were some packs of stickers set on my desk, as well as a more stable chair sitting in front of it. On my creaky dresser, there were two packages of Walgreens Photos that sat next to the book, “Psycho.”

The new curtains were open, but I could tell that they were actually blackout curtains now. Not just black curtains that would have gotten girls at school dress coded if they tried to use the material for a shirt.

“Nadia did some redecorating, she didn’t really let me say no to anything unless I hated the color. She really went all out.”

“Your mom was ok with that?” Jeremy plopped down on the bed, looking at all of the posters.

That uncomfortable tight feeling came back. It felt like someone had tied strings to my ribs and tried pulling them in so that they would curve in and stab my lungs. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jeremy stood up, leaving his grey windbreaker on the bed. 

“I-” My fingernails dug into my palms as the tightness spread to my throat.

“Can I hug you?” Jeremy stood before me, arms wide open.

I nodded.

He wrapped his arms around me, using his hand to guide my head to his shoulder. The material of his striped t-shirt felt so soft against my forehead. 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but just know that I’m here if you need me.”

I laughed, a bit too harsh considering the context. “Thank you.”

Jeremy hummed, and we swayed back and forth. 

After a while, the tightness released its hold on me. “Hey, Jer?”

“Yes?”

“You still wanna get stoned?”

“I don’t want to get completely stoned, but I could take a hit. My asthma’s been kinda acting up today though, so I might cough up my lung. Just a warning.”

I broke away from the hug and slid to the floor. On my hands and knees, I crawled under my bed and pulled out the loose floorboard where I kept things. Jeremy’s emergency inhaler was still there, cap on and mostly full.

I shook it and then tossed it to him before putting the board back and standing up. “You don’t have to do any, but if even just the smoke makes you react, I’d prefer if we had a way to help with that. 

Nadia had set the prescribed weed on my desk. She would have been appalled if she knew that I shared it with Jeremy, but what she didn’t know didn’t hurt her. 

The container opened with a pop. I grabbed the lighter on my desk and opened the drawer to get some paper to roll it in. 

“Do you have an ashtray or something?” Jeremy sat down in the chair and put an elbow up on the desk, resting his chin on his hand. 

“Yeah, lemme get it.” I reached over him and grabbed the broken wine glass that I had found walking downtown one day.

The “ashtray” stayed between us as I rolled a small joint. There wasn’t a lot of weed left, just enough that maybe I could make a second one. 

I held the joint in my mouth and reached for the lighter, but Jeremy had gotten it first.

“I wanna try to be like those edgy, cool boyfriends in the movies and light it for you while dramatic music plays.”   


I laughed and leaned forward so he could light it. 

“Dammit, this is harder than I thought.” His hand trembled as he tried to keep the flame going while being mindful of where everything flammable was. 

The joint caught aflame, and I took a drag. Moving my head to the side first, I let out a long puff and sighed. “Thank you, Jer.”

He smiled and set the lighter back on the desk.

I extended my hand with the joint towards Jeremy, small curls of smoke swirling in the air from where it was burning. 

He nodded and tried to take it from my hands. 

“Uh, no. My turn to try and be the cool movie boyfriend.” 

Jeremy looked down, trying to hide his smile and the faint pinkness rising from the base of his neck. 

I let the joint slide between his soft lips and watched as Jeremy tried to take a long drag like I had.

He immediately started spluttering and coughing. 

The joint was exchanged from his shaking fingers to mine where I dropped it in the glass. Jeremy started smacking the table for his inhaler, but it was still on my bed. 

I ran over and got it. While holding it in my right hand and using my left to put light pressure on his shoulder, I moved the plastic towards his lips and pressed down as he gasped. 

He held his breath for a second and then exhaled, small wheezing noises slowly fading out. 

“Yeah, le- let’s maybe n-not do that. G-god. I had- hadn’t smoked in a, in a while.” Jeremy leaned into my touch and closed his eyes.

The circles I rubbed into his back held a bit more weight to them now, slow and steady. “Yeah, let’s not. That was worse than the first time you tried.” 

Jeremy groaned and let his head hit the side of me with a pathetic thud. 

I laughed and we stayed like that for a little while, just being close to each other and hearing the joint slowly burn out. 

I definitely didn’t hate it. 

“Hey, Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering if we could, I dunno, maybe move to your bed? I just, hospital beds suck and I kinda wanna lie down.”

I nodded and used my left arm to hoist him up, gently throwing my headphones on my desk before doing so.

We flopped down on the bed, Jeremy’s converse had landed somewhere near the floor, but I couldn’t have been bothered to care. 

Jeremy curled up against my side and used my shoulder as a pillow, hands aimlessly fidgeting with my hoodie strings. The arm I had wrapped around him gradually grew warmer the longer he stayed next to me.

I watched his hair slowly fall in front of his eyes as he let faint puffs of his breath flutter against my neck. My head sank deeper into the pillow as I watched how the muscles in his hand stretch and contract. The delicate bones raised against his freckled skin before dipping back down so he could better wrap the red strings around his thin fingers. 

His hands were so lovely and gentle, but I knew that if I were to put his in mine, the grip would be firm and strong. 

Watching his hands twirl the string round and round, I couldn’t help but wonder how they would feel touching things other than my own. How would his touch be on my neck, in my hair, trailing along my shoulder blades, slipping underneath the hem of my shirt?

“Dude, you are redder than me most of the time. I didn’t think that was possible, since I’m so fucking pale, and you actually have pigment in your skin.”   


“Ummm.” My eyes met his, those blue irises flickering all over my face.

“Hey, did I do something wrong?”

“No!” The arm I had around him gripped him a little tighter, only making me feel more warm. “No, I just- I was thinking about something and yeah.”   


Jeremy’s hands had stopped playing with my hoodie strings and were now sliding up towards my face, his touch ghosting over my collarbone and neck. “What were you thinking about that caused that level of blushing?”   


His hand rested on my cheek, forcing me to keep my head turned so I could look at him. There was a mischievous look in his eyes, complemented by how his eyebrow arched, and his sweet smile slipped into a smirk. 

“Wanna take a guess?”   


Jeremy used his hand and guided his face to mine, both of us sitting up. His other hand rested on my shoulder, thumb running over my collarbone through my hoodie. 

One of my hands moved down to the small of his back, and the other slid up to gently pull at the short hair on the back of his head while I deepened the kiss. 

Jeremy moaned a little, and that strange stirring feeling came over me again, the one I had gotten when I pinned him down at the play. It was a curious feeling that I wanted more of. 

He opened his mouth a little, and let my tongue slide in. I’ll be honest, it was a bit awkward at first, but we found a nice rhythm, and the airy sigh he gave me when my tongue trailed against the roof of his mouth made the curious feeling intensify. 

Jeremy’s warm hands moved to unzip my hoodie when I stopped. The curious feeling flipped upside down and became more like a sinking black hole in my stomach. The sides of the hole stretched up to the bottom of my heart, threatening to pull it down into the awful feeling blossoming in me. 

“Michael, I’m sorry, did I go too far? What’s wrong? Please, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m so sorry. I should-” Jeremy was about to stand up, but I stopped him.   


My hand caught his wrist and pulled him back closer to me. I didn't want him to leave, I just didn't know how to explain why the thought of having my arms exposed made my tongue feel like cotton.

“Now, I’m confused.”  
“Jeremy, I’m- I haven’t been completely honest with you. I’ve been keeping some things secret, and I’m honestly afraid of what you’ll say if you see.”  


Jeremy scrunched up his nose and looked down. “Michael, should I be concerned?”   


I bit my lip and looked across the room. The AoTD poster Nadia I had gotten me had my favorite monster on it. The zombie with half of his face missing. Was it strange that I liked the way how its missing jaw and ragged skin looked?

“Michael? I’m a little nervous now. Are you ok?”   


My teeth sank harder into my lip. “Jer, you’re gonna…” I couldn’t say it. 

Jeremy moved his wrist out of my grasp and pulled me into a big hug. “I’m here. I’m not gonna leave this time. You can tell me whatever you want, and I’ll be right here.” 

I bit my tongue this time, to keep myself from doing something stupid like getting emotional or whatever. 

No, it wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t stupid. Maybe he wouldn’t think I was stupid.

But what if he did?

He didn’t know how bad it was, what if this made him leave again? What if he took one look at me and went back to acting like I didn’t exist. The first time, he was so hurt. Now, it was so much worse. 

What would he do? How would he react?

Jeremy’s hands moved back up to cup my face. “Michael, I would like it if you could help me understand what’s wrong. If you’re not ready to talk, that’s ok, but if you’re in danger, you have to let people help you.”   


That’s what did it. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

“Why didn’t you let me help you with all of that stuff then? I mean, all I wanted was to help you get what you wanted, why did you just shove me away?”   


Jeremy pressed his lips together and scrunched up his nose. “I took that thing, and it messed with me. It told me things and made me do things. I felt like it was the only thing that could help. It made me think that you couldn’t. I know how fucked that sounds, but it’s true. Michael, I am so sorry for doing all of that. More than you could ever  know, but this is different. Are you-”   


I stood up, trying to hide how much I was shaking. “How is this different? How? Please, enlighten me.”   


“Michael-” Jeremy shifted on the bed and ran a hand through his hair. “-if this is what I think it is, you can’t just shut down again. When I saw you on the floor-”

“That’s how I felt when you landed yourself in the fucking hospital.”

“No, that’s not how you felt. I was there because I had tried to fix things, but it ended up wrong. You were there because you had tried to end-!”

“I was trying to fix things too!”   


“Michael!” Jeremy gripped the red duvet cover, tears threatened to spill from those lovely blue eyes. “You weren’t- you weren’t fixing anything by doing that. You don’t understand how far from fixing things that did. I st-still don’t understand how you got to that point, and the thought of you getting there again just- it j-just-” 

His chest rose and fell irregularly. Shaking and shuddering with each ragged breath he took. Even from this distance, I could see the goosebumps lining his forearms. 

I ran over to the desk and grabbed the inhaler. Jeremy tried moving away from me, but I wrapped an arm around him and held the inhaler out in front of his face.

“Jer, please?”

He managed to glower at me through teary eyes and took a puff. 

The inhaler helped with the breathing, but he still shook and had some tears fall from his eyes. We sat next to each other on the bed, no longer touching but our knees less than an inch apart. 

It was less than an inch, but it felt so much bigger than that. With each second that passed by and every weepy breath Jeremy took, it felt as if a wedge were coming between us again. 

He was just going to leave again. It was going to go back to me sitting in my room, staring at all of the old photos and wishing that I had done things differently. Wishing that I was enough. I’d never be enough for him, would I?   


“Michael-” Jeremy’s voice was quiet, but in the silent room he might as well have been shouting. “-what’s the big secret?”   


My teeth sunk into my lip again. The skin was starting to become slightly chapped from all of the poor abuse I was putting it through. 

I reached up and started to unzip my hoodie. Feeling the soft material being slowly pulled away from my arms, exposing me, felt like someone was peeling my skin off. Just sitting there with the bundle of fabric resting in my lap, covering my forearms, made me feel so raw and exposed. My heart pounded so hard, I thought it was going to break my ribs from the inside.

My eyes flickered up to Jeremy’s face. He seemed so confused, but he didn’t seem mad.

“So all of this was about you wearing a ‘Grand Theft Auto’ shirt? Dude, we play that all the time, I don’t-” He stopped as I moved the hoodie beside me, exposing all of the red lines on the inside of my forearms. 

Somehow, his eyes moving up and down my arms, tears pooling up and spilling from his eyes, stung the most. 

“I know that you probably think I’m just ugly and stupid and want to break up with me now. That’s fine. I didn’t know why I expect-” I was just off my Jeremy throwing himself at me.

My body went rigid as he tightened his grip on me. His face nestled against my neck and his arms barely rested on the tops of my shoulders from how hard he was holding me. 

Slowly, I brought my own hands up and placed them lightly on his back. My fingertips hovering over the hills and valleys of his spine. 

“I, uh, threw the stuff out. I haven’t actually done anything for a little while, but they got reopened during the craziness of everything. Most of these are really old. I don’t want to do it anymore, but I get it if you just don’t want to deal with me.” I focused on the poster again, trying to keep the shakiness out of my voice. 

Jeremy’s tears started sliding down my neck and pooling in the shallow divot behind my collarbone.

“I’m sorry, Jer. I tried to be better, but it was so hard, and it was the only thing I felt like I could do. I really do want to stop, I don’t have any of my stuff anymore.”

“Michael?” He sat up, hands sliding to cup my face. “I’m s-sorry.”

“This isn’t your-”   


“No, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I made you feel like I would treat you like that if you told me, or that you had to hide it.”

I rubbed my thumb against the striped shirt he had on. What was I supposed to say? I didn’t think that he would have stayed this long.

“I feel terrible that you’ve been in s-so much pain, but you’re far from ugly. I think that you’re beautiful.”

Warmth started spreading all over my face, he could probably feel it since his face was so close to mine.

“No, Jer, I’m not-”

“Then you must think the same about me.”   


“What?”

“If you think that way about yourself, then you must feel the same about me.” He stood up and scrunched his nose. 

Jeremy fumbled for his shirt and pulled it over his head. We had seen each other change times before, but he looked different. There was definitely more muscle definition compared to last time I had seen him. 

He was completely unmarked, except for the freckles spreading down from the tops of his shoulders. I had no idea what he was talking about. Jeremy was gorgeous. I was scarred and terrifying to look at. 

Then, he turned around. 

Angry, red scars branched out all over his back. They looked like they covered almost every nerve cluster. The sporadic patterns started at the base of his neck and expanded out to the small of his back. A few looked like they made their way down to the backs of his legs. Marks upon marks littered his body. What happened to him? Where did the soft skin and freckles go? All that was left was shades of red, pink, and white blending together on the canvas of his back. Thick and deep. Raised and ragged.

The raised skin looked so painful, like some of them were fresher than others.

“Jeremy, I-” My hand flew up to my mouth. The doctors hadn’t told me anything about scarring when I was in the hospital with him. 

“It made me do things, and if I refused I-” His voice cut out like he was about to start sobbing. 

I ran forward and spun him around.

Those lovely blue eyes were so bright and vibrant when compared to how red the rest of his eyes had gotten. Different shades of pink and red spread all over his face, covering him from his neck to his forehead. Why was everything red?

“I had no idea it was doing that. Jeremy, oh my God, are you ok? Does it hurt?”

He shook his head, causing some of the tears welling up in his eyes to spill down his face. 

I sighed and pulled him against me. On hand cradling his head and the other resting between his shoulder blades. 

The scars felt bumpy and strange. When I thought of Jeremy, I always thought of smooth and soft things. His hushed voice, his pink lips, his dark and wavy hair, how his eyes landed on something when he was tired. I never thought of sharp, harsh, burning pain. He was what I always saw as relief. 

The thought of him being shocked every time he did something the Squip didn’t like made my stomach do somersaults. 

Is that why he did everything? He just didn’t want to hurt anymore?

That’s why I did everything, I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.

My grip on him tightened as some tears fell from my own eyes. I didn’t want him to hurt anymore. 

“Jeremy, I’ve always thought that you were attractive and pretty. This doesn’t change that, but I feel bad. I had no idea. I had no idea that thing was fucking with you like that. I’m so sorry.”

“Well, I didn’t know what you were going through either, s-so how about we s-say that it’s even?”

The laugh I gave in response was really more of a gasp, but I could feel Jeremy’s small smile through the material of my shirt. “That’s fine by me.”

My hands slid down to his and pulled Jeremy back into the bed. He squealed and giggled as he fell on top of me. 

We were so close to each other. The ends of his curls tickled my nose. 

He brought his lips down to mine and kissed me. He then tried to slip his tongue into my mouth, but I wasn’t going to have any of that.

I grabbed his shoulders and flipped us around. 

Jeremy gasped as his back pressed into the pillowy mattress, and I slid my hands up to his face as I kissed him. 

We continued to kiss for a while, Jeremy sitting up a bit, so I could have a better grip on his hair, his hands wandering over my chest and back. 

I stopped to catch my breath, feeling a bit dizzy from all that was going on. It was strange to think that less than twenty-four hours ago, I was wondering if he was ever going to wake up. Now, he was kissing me so hard that I was on the brink of seeing stars.

He brought his hands up to my head and helped guide my forehead to his. His thumb lightly tracing over the cartilage of my ear as he hummed a bit. 

I opened my eyes a little and saw how pretty he looked, face flushed and a small smile beaming as he let his eyelashes brush against some of the lighter freckles on his cheeks. 

That curious feeling came back, and this time it was much more strong. This time, I had a slightly visual cue as to what it was. 

Jeremy gasped a bit, his face turning even more red. 

I tried backing away, embarrassment flooding all of my senses, when he pulled me back in. 

Jeremy pressed a few light kisses against my neck as his hand slid down to the waistband of my jeans. He lingered there, almost as if he didn’t know if it was ok or not.

“I, um, don’t have any condoms,” I said a bit sheepishly.

“I have one in my wallet.” 

I sat up straight and looked at Jeremy.    


He shrugged his shoulders and scrunched up his nose. “They handed them out during sex ed freshman year, and I just kept mine-” He then looked down and started picking at the threads of his jeans. “-I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to. If just thought-”

“No, I want to, but would you be ok with it?”

Jeremy looked back up at me. I wished that I could have taken a picture of the wide and bewildered look on his face. The way his hair had fallen into his eyes and how his lips were slightly parted, the flush on his spreading down to the top of his chest.

“I’d definitely be ok with that.” Then, he rolled his eyes. “But I don’t have any lube.”

“Oh, I have that.”

Jeremy looked at me with his eyebrows raised.

“It’s a long story, but basically my soda dealer dared me to do it because he thought I didn’t have the confidence to go up and buy some from the old lady working at the register. I keep it under the floorboard, like all of my other important things.”

Jeremy snorted and got off of the bed so I could reach under without poking him in the ass. 

I pulled up the floorboard and pulled out the lube, it was water-based and said that it was hypoallergenic, so it probably was going to be fine. 

I turned back around and saw that Jeremy was holding the condom in his hands, trying to get his windbreaker to stay on my chair. 

He didn’t hear me come up from behind him, so when I kissed the top of his shoulder, he yelped.

“Hey! Is that payback from earlier?” 

I laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him back into the bed. 

Jeremy groaned as we plopped down, but he smiled against my lips. It felt so good. 

My hand came back up to the back of his head and pulled at the hairs there while I started kissing the side of his neck. 

He moaned, his hips twitching up to get closer to me. 

Whoa, I definitely wasn’t mad about that. 

Jeremy slid his hands under my shirt and started trailing his warm fingers along my skin. 

I shuddered and gave him a more airy kiss on his collarbone as he brought his touch to my sternum. 

“You can take it off, if you want,” I murmured against his hot skin. He felt almost feverish. 

Jeremy was so gentle in how he removed the shirt and my glasses from me, but he then immediately moved his hands back down to my waistband. His fingers fumbled for the button as he tried to get them off of me. 

He groaned in frustration, so in response, I pulled at this hair a little harder. The soft and low noise that came from him made my heart flutter. 

Jeremy finally got the button out of the loop and started pulling my pants down. His touch felt electric against my bumpy thighs.

I helped get them the rest of the way off, leaving me in only my boxers and socks. 

Then, I started undoing Jeremy’s belt. There was definitely a visual cue that he had the same feeling twisting around in his stomach. 

After we were both disrobed, we sat there for a minute just taking each other in. 

He was so beautiful.

“So, uh, sh-should I get a towel or…”

“Oh-” I smacked the side of my head. “- lemme get one. I’ll be right back.”

My heart was racing as I half jogged into the bathroom and looked for a dark towel. There was a black one under the sink. 

In the mirror, I caught a glimpse of myself. I looked genuinely happy. It was strange seeing a smile that big and blurry on my face. 

I almost looked normal and not like a depressed fuck head. 

Jeremy was fiddling with the red duvet cover when I got back, rolling the fabric between his fingers and smoothing it back out again. 

His face lit up when he saw me. I knew the exact expression he was making even though at the time he was too far away for me to see the fine details. It was the face he made when he saw me after coming back from his Yellowstone trip. It was so cute how his eyes crinkled up in the corners when he smiled and how the dim basement light danced on his soft lips. 

I threw the towel at him and grabbed the lube. 

Jeremy laughed and pulled the towel off of his head while I settled back down next to him. He smoothed out the black fabric and sat on it patiently while I squinted and read over the label of the bottle again. 

He could probably tell that I was nervous. 

I didn’t want to mess this up, I couldn’t mess this up. 

Something smacked me in the face.

“Wuh- Hey!” I looked down and saw that he had flicked the condom package in my face, hitting me in the middle of my forehead.

Jeremy giggled and gave me a light peck on the cheek. “That was for the towel. Now, you ready?”

I nodded and pulled him in for a kiss. He didn’t even fight me when I slipped my tongue in. 

My other hand slipped down to his groin. I palmed at him through his grey boxers. 

I swear, he started melting like putty in my hands. 

“Mic- Ahhhh” His grip on my neck loosened, and he started pitching forward a bit. 

I brought my hand away from his face, still using the other to fondle him, and started pulling down my boxers. 

The condom couldn’t be opened with one hand, so I used my teeth to rip the foil. 

Jeremy noticed that I was trying to put it on, so he slid his hands down and rolled it on me. I couldn’t help but twitch and smile.

His hands were so warm and gentle. 

He grabbed the lube bottle and squeezed a lot of it into his hand. I thought it was going to fall off and onto the bed. 

Jeremy lathered the gel all over my dick, making me harder than I thought I could be. He smiled smugly when he looked up and saw how hot and bothered he was making me. 

I grabbed his shoulders again and lightly guided him down so his back was flushed with the bed. He wiped his hands on the black towel beneath him before reaching up and trailing his fingers all over my torso.

I shivered at his touch, the lube had made his fingers less warm, but no less tantalizing.

My hands slid down to his waist when his look changed from relaxed and intoxicated with the moment to fearful and alert. 

Immediately, I sat back on my heels and brought my hands up. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

Jeremy shook his head and ran a shaky hand through his loose waves. “No, I just- I don’t want to be on my back. It- I kinda. I dunno. It was-”

I slowly put a hand on his knee and patted it lightly. “Hey, Jer, you’re completely fine. I understand not wanting to have someone completely over you. Are you done or do you want to try something else?”

He sat up and gave me a hug. “Something else please, thank you.”   


I rubbed small circles into his back as I thought about a different way we could do this. “Of course, this is supposed to be fun, not scary.”   


He sighed and hugged me tighter, nestling his face in the crook of my neck. 

“Hey, I think I know what we could do. I could sit on the edge of the bed, and you could be on my lap. That way we can still face each other and kiss and shit, but it will probably be less intense, since this is my first time.”

“It’s mine too, and I think that I’d like that. Are you ok with me being on your lap?”

“Jer, just because you are  _ two inches _ taller than me doesn’t mean that you’ll crush me. You weigh almost nothing.”

He huffed, and I could feel his glare. “Hey, I was working out every morning, I have some muscle now.”

“Well, you’re still a bean pole, and I’m still called soft and squishy for a reason. Yes, I am perfectly fine with you being on my lap. In fact-” I kissed him underneath his ear before whispering. “I’d love to be able to hold you close while we do this, I wanna feel your smile against my skin,”

Jeremy laughed and gave me a light peck on my shoulder. His wide smile left as a lingering trace on my skin. “There? You happy? Now let’s try it, your dick is so hard, it’s been poking me this entire time.”

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at him. We shuffled down to the end of the bed. My calves flush with the side of the bed and my feet firmly planted on the floor. 

Jeremy stood up and grabbed some more of the lube, he spread some more on and wiped his hands on the towel again. 

I slipped his boxers off and ran my fingers up his shaft. 

Jeremy gasped and brought a hand up to his mouth. 

My eyes flickered up to his to see if it was still ok, he nodded and brought his hand down. 

I started pumping slowly, slow movements up and down his member. His tiny moans encouraged me to keep on going, causing the feeling in my stomach to spread down and grow. 

Jeremy brought his hand down to mine and took my hand off. He then placed it on his waist and had me steady him as he positioned himself over me.

“You ready?” I asked.

He nodded and sat down, inhaling sharply as he adjusted to the appendage that was in him.

I bit down hard on my tongue to keep from exclaiming. Making sure that he was ok and not in pain came before me giving in and letting out the low groan that was building up in the bottom of my throat.

“You ok?”   


He squirmed around for a second before sighing. “Yeah, I just had to relax. This feels really good.” 

I hummed in agreement and started kissing his neck. Each time Jeremy shifted, I couldn’t help but moan.

He was so tight and warm. It was one of the best things I had ever felt. I almost came right then and there from how amazing it felt to have him around me. 

Then, he started grinding up and down against me slowly, using his knees to move smoothly and softly.

“Fuck, Jer, that- Oh my God.”

He whimpered and tightened his grip on my shoulders. His chest grazed against mine, the heat of his body infecting me. 

I bucked my hips up a little as he came down. His choked moan and shuddering breaths caused my lower half to twitch.

“Michael! God, do that again!”

We continued to grind on each other, moving slowly in sync and giving lazy kisses all over the other’s neck and face.

My hand snaked up to the back of his head and pulled at the short tufts of hair there. They felt so soft.

Jeremy gasped and rolled his hips a bit harder.

“Fuck, I think I’m-”

He let out a few gasping laughs and continued to roll his hips like that, making me buck mine up more roughly than before.

His dick twitched against my stomach, and he let out a loud groan. 

I hit that spot over and over again, while he rolled his hips down on me, fingernails digging into my shoulders.

Michael, I’m com-” Jeremy shuddered as he released all over my stomach.

The blissful look on his face and how he tightened around me was what sent me over the edge. 

He wrapped his arms around me tighter, and my hands steadied him at the waist to keep him from falling off as we panted and rested against each other. 

I flopped backward and let Jeremy fall on top of me, his hair tickling my face.

“Hey, you ok?”   


He looked up at me with such a soft look in his eyes, I thought that I was going to melt into my mattress.

“I really liked that, that was amazing,” he whispered.

I kissed the top of his forehead. “Yeah, I definitely didn’t hate that.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and snuggled against me.

“I love you,” I whispered. I didn’t even mean to say it out loud, but it was more of a reaction than anything else.

“I love you more.” Jeremy patted my chest lightly.

“Take that back, not possible.”

“Nope, sucks to suck.”   


“Jeremy Heere, I swear to God-”   


“Oh, please. You know that you can’t do anything-” He looked back up at me. “-If I just look at you a certain way, you lose that ‘tough guy’ act.”   


“Not wrong, but only for you.” 

Jeremy fake gagged and laughed as he hugged me tighter. “We are the disgusting kind of sweet.”

“I’m not mad about it.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t be.”

“Is that an insult?”   


“No, it’s a fact. Can’t argue with the facts.”

“Yeah-” I started rubbing my thumb up and down his arm. “-Can’t argue with those.”

Eventually, we wiped our various body parts and got cleaned up. There were still a few hours before Nadia would have come back home, so we got under the covers and cuddled against each other, boxers on. 

Jeremy held me close to him and ran his thin fingers through my hair, babbling about how the nurses at the hospital were so weird about giving him and his dad the discharge paperwork. 

With the combination of the soft bedding, Jeremy’s soothing touch, my exhaustion from not getting any real sleep over the last few days, and the medlotic tone of his voice drowning out all of the other thoughts in my head, I started drifting off to sleep.

I most certainly didn’t hate this.


	2. Jeremy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw references to self harm, references to past suicide attempt, depictions of electrocution scars, panic attack, smut, and two idiots not knowing how the other is feeling

“So, you wanna go downstairs?” Michael looked at me over the tops of his rectangular glasses, a thinly veiled look of innocence was splayed across his face

I grabbed his cold hand and led him to the stairwell leading to the basement, his bedroom.

We reached the bottom, and I found the light switch on the wall. 

It was so different from the last time I had been here.

Michael’s bio mother was so against him having anything nice. It was just a desk, dresser, bed, and curtains before.

Now, there was a charcoal colored carpet that covered most of the room. Most of the posters on the grey wall had different video games on there, some had old horror movies or were bands that Michael would always rant to me about. 

A puffy, candy red comforter was on his bed, as well as two fluffy white pillows. The bed frame was wooden and much more sturdy looking. The one before was all chipped and scratched. If you were to crawl underneath it, there would have been two broken boards. 

I wondered if he still had the floorboard that popped up, the carpet didn’t cover that, and I doubted that he would tell anyone about it.

The curtains were slightly open, but still blocked out way more light than the old ones, that was the entire reason I flipped on the switch.

How did he convince his mother to let him do this?

“Whoa, your room looks like an actual room now, what happened?”

“Nadia did some redecorating, she didn’t really let me say no to anything unless I hated the color. She really went all out.”

“Your mom was ok with that?” I plopped down on the bed, taking in the room.

Even the lava lamp on his new nightstand fit his aesthetic. It was nice to see that he actually had a space that reflected who he was.

Despite being in the basement, I was getting really warm. The grey windbreaker started sliding off of me as I looked up to see Michael with a pained look on his face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I stood up, leaving a foot of space between us.

“I-” He pressed his lips together like he was trying to keep the noise from coming out. The tiny mole above his lip quivered as some black strands of hair fell into his eyes behind his glasses.

His hands shook in closed fists at his sides. He wanted to say something, but it was like he could physically get the words to come out.

“Can I hug you?” I opened my arms out wide. I understood not knowing what the right words were.

He nodded, looking anywhere but me.

I wrapped my arms around him, using my hand to guide his head to my shoulder. My thumb traced the outline of his shoulder blade through his soft hoodie.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but just know that I’m here if you need me,” I whispered next to his ear.

He gave out a half hearted laugh and said, “Thank you,”

I hummed in response, and we swayed back and forth. 

After a while, Michael leaned back a bit, the lack of warmth his torso provided made me feel slightly cold. “Hey, Jer?”

“Yes?”

“You still wanna get stoned?”

“I don’t want to get completely stoned, but I could take a hit. My asthma’s been kinda acting up today though, so I might cough up my lung. Just a warning.”

He broke away from the hug and slid to the floor. Michael crawled under the bed, and I could hear the floorboard pop out of place.

Did he keep the weed down there?

His head popped up and something small was in his hand. He shook it for a second before tossing it to me.

He had kept my inhaler, despite everything. 

A warm feeling spread throughout my chest, threatening to crawl up my throat and poke me in the eyes. I sat down on the bed again after he stood up, trying to keep my emotions under control.

“You don’t have to do any, but if even just the smoke makes you react, I’d prefer if we had a way to help with that.” Michael walked over to his desk and started rifling through a white paper bag.

He was always so thoughtful. How did I deserve someone like him? He could have done so much better than me, the small whispers in my ear made sure I knew that.

The container in his hand opened with a pop. He grabbed the lighter on his desk and opened the drawer to get something out of it.

Leaving the inhaler on the bed, I walked over to join him.

“Do you have an ashtray or something?” I sat down in the chair and put an elbow up on the desk, resting my chin on my hand. 

“Yeah, lemme get it.” He reached over me to grab something.

Feeling his chest pressed against me so casually felt so strange. In a good way.

It felt so safe and assuring in a way I hadn’t felt very often. It was also exciting to know that his heart was so close to mine, pushing blood through his veins and keeping him here with me for a little while longer.

I’d already lost too much time with him, too many pulses spent apart. I wanted to spend as much as I could to make up for the lost ones.

The “ashtray” stayed between us as he rolled a small joint. It was a broken wine glass that had some cracks on the bottom of it.

Michael held the joint in his mouth and went for the lighter, but I reached out and snatched it from him.

“I wanna try to be like those edgy, cool boyfriends in the movies and light it for you while dramatic music plays.”   


He laughed and leaned forward so I could light it. There was a playful look in his eyes that I had missed seeing. 

God, I had missed him so much. Why did I ever get that stupid wintergreen tic tac?

“Dammit, this is harder than I thought.” My hand trembled as I tried to keep the flame going, pushing the regretful thoughts aside. 

The joint caught aflame, and he took a drag. Moving his head to the side first, Michael let out a long tendril of smoke and sighed. “Thank you, Jer.”

It swirled in the air and around him for a second. With the pale light coming in and hitting his eyes. The color was like dark coffee with streaks of honey and creamer in it. 

He looked ethereal. 

I smiled and set the lighter back on the desk.

Michael extended his hand with the joint towards me, small curls of smoke swirling in the air from where it was burning.

I wanted to melt into the chair, the tender and mellow look he gave me was almost overwhelming. 

I nodded and tried to take it from his hands, desperate to not make a fool of myself. 

He pulled back, a pang of fear struck my ribs.

“Uh, no. My turn to try and be the cool movie boyfriend.” He winked at me.

God, it was getting really warm in here.

Michael used his slightly calloused hands to slide the joint in between my lips. His warm breath hitting my neck and making me feel even more submerged in this fluttery feeling. The vanilla weed from the joint and sandalwood cologne he wore filled my senses.

I took in a shaky breath, not even meaning too, I was just so fixated on how beautiful he looked in that moment that I had forgotten what was in my mouth.

I immediately started spluttering and coughing. 

The joint disappeared, Michael probably took it when he realized that I was having an asthma attack, and I smacked around on the top of the desk, searching for the inhaler.

Where was it? I just had it? Where did it go?

I didn’t want to die, there were still so many things I had to do. So much time I had to make up for missing out on.

Michael used his hand and kept me from flailing around. The inhaler was in his other hand, an inch away from my face. 

I let him put the opening in my mouth, waiting for him to press down on the metal top before trying to inhale again.

He did, and the bitter drug filled my mouth, working down my throat and filling my aching lungs. 

After holding my breath to make sure that it would actually reach everywhere it was supposed to, I let a wobbly sigh.

“Yeah, le- let’s maybe n-not do that. G-god. I had- hadn’t smoked in a, in a while,” I wheezed.

Michael rubbed small circles into my back as I leaned against him. I tried to match my rapid breathing to his slow, in an attempt to calm down. My eyes fell shut as I focused on his steady breathing.

He was here. He was still here, and he didn’t hate me for being a dick.

“Yeah, let’s not. That was worse than the first time you tried,” He said.

I groaned and let my head hit his side. 

Michael laughed as I remembered how I made a total fool of myself by trying to take a big puff when he got his first dose of it.

Despite laughing, he held me close to him, my attention shifting back to his heart. I could feel the steady beating with my ear pressed against one of his veins. 

We stayed like this for a while, just in comfortable silence.

The events of the day and the fact that I had only been out of the hospital for a few hours were starting to catch up to me. His bed looked so much more comfortable than the one I had been stuck in.

“Hey, Michael?” I looked up at him.

“Yeah?” He looked down, the light illuminating the side of his tawny brown face. 

“I was wondering if we could, I dunno, maybe move to your bed? I just, hospital beds suck, and I kinda wanna lie down.” I looked away again. Could Michael tell that my heart was certainly not beating as steady and rhythmically as his?

He nodded and used his left arm to hoist my up, gently throwing his headphones on the desk before doing so.

We flopped down on the bed, My converse slid off before I put my feet up on the bed.

I curled up against his side and used Michael’s shoulder as a pillow, hands aimlessly fidgeting with his red hoodie strings. The arm he had wrapped around me felt so comforting against my back. There wasn’t even a way I could attempt to describe why it made me feel so safe, it just made me feel so much better.

My fingers got all tangled in the strings. Looping and twisting. Twirling and spinning. Making half knots and then undoing them. I felt safe, but I always was a little nervous. 

We hadn’t lied down on a bed together like this before, was he ok with this? I was definitely ok with this, but I didn’t want to fuck anything up. I had almost fucked things up for good before, now I still couldn’t believe that I had gotten a second chance.

I still couldn’t believe that he said yes to me asking him out. Half of me expected him to slap me for having the audacity to ask after everything I did.

What did he see in me? 

Why spend all of his kindness and patience on me? Why not anyone else?

What had I done to deserve him? 

My eyes flickered up to his face, there was a dusty red spreading all over his smooth and copper complexion. With his glasses slipping down his nose and his lips slightly agape, a stirring feeling started spreading around in my stomach.

Why was he so attractive with a flushed face?

But why was his face flushed? Was he too warm sitting beside me?

“Dude, you are redder than me most of the time. I didn’t think that was possible, since I’m so fucking pale, and you actually have pigment in your skin.”   


“Ummm.” 

I scanned all over his face, the redness was only getting deeper. It even started showing on the tips of his ears. Michael was never this red, only when he was too embarrassed to admit something.

Oh God, I was making him feel uncomfortable, wasn’t I? What if I was so horrible that he wasn’t gay anymore? What if I was so gross and disgusting that being around me made him straight?

“Hey, did I do something wrong?”

“No!” He gripped me tighter with his arm. “No, I just- I was thinking about something and yeah.”   


Oh? 

Then what was he thinking about?

I untangled my fingers from the red strings and moved my hands up his chest, tracing over his collarbones. “What were you thinking about that caused that level of blushing?”   


My hand rested on his cheek. It was burning hot. I brushed a stray eyelash away and kept his head craned so he was looking at me. Those creamer streaked eyes raked over my face.

“Wanna take a guess?” He asked, trying to act more cocky than he actually was.   


I used my hand and guided his face to mine, both of us sitting up. My other hand rested on his shoulder, thumb running over his collarbone through my hoodie. 

Michael moved his hand to the small of my back while holding me close. The other hand reached up and pulled at the hair on the back of my head while he deepened the kiss. 

A moan escaped me, crawling up from the back of my throat. Heat started spreading from my chest to my stomach. The warm feeling only grew stronger as Michael kissed me harder.

My lips parted enough for him to slip his tongue in, and he went for it. At first, both of us didn’t know exactly what to do, but when Michael started slowly exploring my mouth, it felt so nice. 

I couldn’t help but shiver and sigh when he traced the roof of my mouth.

Despite being so warm, I was still shivering.

But I wanted more.

My hands moved down to the zipper of his hoodie. I wanted to feel his chest pressed against mine, his heart as close to mine as possible. 

As soon as my fingers landed on the cool metal, Michael broke away.

Why did he look so terrified? 

Did I do something wrong? Maybe I had hurt him by accident, or he was having second thoughts.

God, I had hurt Michael, again. Why did I keep on hurting him?

“Michael, I’m sorry, did I go too far? What’s wrong? Please, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m so sorry. I should-” I shook my head and moved to stand up.

His hand caught my wrist and pulled me back down. Our faces were so close that I could see the individual eyelashes lining his eyelids, but far enough that I couldn’t see the various strands that made up his alluring eyes. 

Now, those eyes were full of conflicting emotions. 

Should I stay or should I go? What would make him less hurt and confused?

“Now, I’m confused.”   


“Jeremy, I’m- I haven’t been completely honest with you. I’ve been keeping some things secret, and I’m honestly afraid of what you’ll say if you see.” Michael’s eyes met mine, and I couldn’t take how intense all of those feelings were.

What was he talking about? He wouldn’t have kept that from me, would he?   


“Michael, should I be concerned?”   


He bit his bottom lip and stared off, eyes going in and out of focus.

“Michael? I’m a little nervous now. Are you ok?”   


“Jer, you’re gonna…” He sounded so defeated.

I wiggled my wrist out of his grasp and pulled him into a tight hug. He didn’t hug me back, but he leaned into my touch. “I’m here. I’m not gonna leave this time. You can tell me whatever you want, and I’ll be right here.” 

Michael stayed silent, making me wonder if he could tell that I knew his heartbeat was no longer so steady. His pulse felt so erratic and fast, nothing like how it was before.

Something was wrong, terribly wrong.

I just hoped it wasn’t what I thought it was, anything but that.

I didn’t know if I could take that again, but I had to know.

My hands moved back up to cup his face. “Michael, I would like it if you could help me understand what’s wrong. If you’re not ready to talk, that’s ok, but if you’re in danger, you have to let people help you.”   


He changed. Michael’s posture grew more rigid, eyes no longer soft and creamy looking. They were hard and dark, more like a cold stone color than the rich coffee I admired.

“Why didn’t you let me help you with all of that stuff then? I mean, all I wanted was to help you get what you wanted, why did you just shove me away?” He was so hurt and angry.

It was all my fault, but he had to understand why I did it. It didn’t start out so awful, it just snowballed into a disaster that I couldn’t control. I couldn’t control it.

It started controlling me, couldn’t he see that? I never wanted to fuck up that bad, I just got stuck in this loop of shock or no shock. Succeed or fail. Pain or reward.

He of all people had to understand.   


“I took that thing, and it messed with me. It told me things and made me do things. I felt like it was the only thing that could help. It made me think that you couldn’t. I know how fucked that sounds, but it’s true. Michael, I am so sorry for doing all of that. More than you could ever know, but this is different. Are you-”   


He stood up, cutting me off and curling his hands into fists. “How is this different? How? Please, enlighten me.”   


“Michael, if this is what I think it is, you can’t just shut down again. When I saw you on the floor-”

“That’s how I felt when you landed yourself in the fucking hospital.”

“No, that’s not how you felt. I was there because I had tried to fix things, but it ended up wrong. You were there because you had tried to end-”

“I was trying to fix things too!”

No. No, that only broke things that I was still grappling to repair in my heart. Every time he went to the bathroom or I saw a red hoodie on the ground, my heart would plummet to my stomach. My palms would sweat. My head would throb. My teeth would press against each other so tight that I thought they would crack.   


“Michael!” 

I was yelling now, but it didn’t matter. It was happening again. I could see him on the floor, see the blood spreading over the grout, see the light leave his eyes as his breath got only lighter and lighter, see how pale and grey his skin and gone instead of its normal bright and tawny skin. I could see him practically dead on the floor. 

“You weren’t- you weren’t fixing anything by doing that. You don’t understand how far from fixing things that did. I st-still don’t understand how you got to that point, and the thought of you getting there again just- it j-just-” I couldn’t breathe.

It was too much. Too much red, it was everywhere. I could smell the blood on the floor, it was choking me and filling up in my throat. I tried to cough it out but I couldn’t breathe in deep enough to cough. 

All I could do was shake and try to find air somehow. But there wasn’t any, there was only sharp metal poking at my chest, and blood everywhere. 

Why was there so much blood?

How faint was his once strong pulse after that?

Michael moved to touch me, but I didn’t want him to. How could he help? He was the reason that there was so much blood. 

Moving just would have made him bleed out more.

Why couldn’t it stop?

“Jer, please?” His voice snapped me back. 

There wasn’t any blood, but I still couldn’t breathe.

I still could taste the metallic liquid and smell the coppery scent, red still tinted my vision, but he was here and trying to help.

Why couldn’t he help himself? Why did he let it get that bad?

Begrudgingly, I let him put the inhaler in my mouth. The bitter medicine drowned out the metallic taste in my mouth.

It didn’t help with the tears, the sinking feeling in my stomach.

We sat next to each other on the bed, no longer touching but our knees less than an inch apart. My wheezing and crying was the only sound that filled the room.

Why had he done that? Didn’t he realize how heartbroken I was as I watched him lie in the hospital bed, how terrified I was as I felt his life fade away while I screamed at the 911 operator?

Didn’t he realize how much I needed him? How I wouldn’t be about to continue without him? 

I honestly thought of the Squip as proof of that. I became so lost and estranged from myself when I had chosen the Squip over Michael, it was only when Michael helped me get rid of it that I was able to realize everything that I had done.

How much I had fucked up.

How much I really should have just stayed with him instead of chasing something that wasn’t worth much in the end.   


“Michael what’s the big secret?” I had to know.   


He bit his lip and started unzipping his hoodie. It rested on his lap.

He was just wearing a t- shirt, an old one, but just a t- shirt. Sure, the graphics kinda sucked, but I was literally playing Crossy Road earlier. We didn’t shame each other about what games we played.

“So all of this was about you wearing a ‘Grand Theft Auto’ shirt? Dude, we play that all the time, I don’t-” I stopped as he moved the hoodie away, exposing his arms.

Oh my God.

Lines, so many red lines littered his once soft and smooth forearms. Some were thick and deep, others were light and barely visible. Some were just scabbed over, fresh.

There were so many of them, so many reminders of how hurt he was and how he would always take it out on himself.

How many of them were because of me?

“I know that you probably think I’m just ugly and stupid and want to break up with me now. That’s fine. I didn’t know why I expect-” 

I practically tackled him. My arms wrapped around him so tight, there wasn’t room for either of us to shake or tremble.

He couldn’t possibly think that I was going to leave him. I couldn’t, but I could feel my heart shattering as I thought about the obscene number of lines covering his body.

He deserved so much more than to be that hurt. 

Michael was so sweet and wonderful and kind and smart and beautiful, he deserved so much more than aching and stinging wrists.

His hands moved up from his sides and landed on my back, lightly running over my spine.

His touch was a different kind of electrifying, but I was still almost numb.

That couldn’t have been real. He would have told me. He promised to tell me if it was getting bad.

What if he only started again after I had abandoned him?

Oh God, this was all my fault. Michael hurt himself because of me. He thought of himself like that because of me.

“I, uh, threw the stuff out. I haven’t actually done anything for a little while, but they got reopened during the craziness of everything. Most of these are really old. I don’t want to do it anymore, but I get it if you just don’t want to deal with me.” His voice shook slightly as he spoke.

The tears fell down my face in hot and thick streams. He was trying. He was trying to be better. The fresh ones were from getting hurt at the play, but that still didn’t make it any better.

How old was old? How long had he been feeling like this?

How long had he hated himself this intensely?

“I’m sorry, Jer. I tried to be better, but it was so hard, and it was the only thing I felt like I could do. I really do want to stop, I don’t have any of my stuff anymore.”

Was he lying? How many other secrets was he hiding?   


No, I had to be grateful that he trusted me enough to tell me this, especially after everything I had done. 

But I wanted to make sure that he would stop. I wanted to help him stop.

He deserved to feel good and happy about himself, him being in this much pain shouldn’t have ever happened.

“Michael?” I sat up, hands sliding to cup his face. “I’m s-sorry.”

“This isn’t your-”   


“No, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I made you feel like I would treat you like that if you told me, or that you had to hide it.”

He stayed silent, arms still wrapped around me loosely.

“I feel terrible that you’ve been in s-so much pain, but you’re far from ugly. I think that you’re beautiful.”

He blushed, and that hard look in his eyes started to fade away.

“No, Jer, I’m not-”

“Then you must think the same about me.”   


“What?”

“If you think that way about yourself, then you must feel the same about me.” Anger started rising up in my chest.

I stood up. Michael was in pain and took it out on himself, and it left a mark. I didn’t care that he was scarred, it was the meaning behind the scars that frightened me. If he thought scars were so ugly, he would think that I was an atrocity. 

Why couldn’t he see himself how I saw him? Why did he have to use the hurt other people caused him against himself? Why did he let anyone, especially me, get away with that?

I fumbled for my shirt and pulled it over my head. It was scary knowing that he was looking, but I had to show him. 

If he was going to be so open and honest about what he hated about himself, then I would be too.

The constant reminder of my mistakes and regrets burned as I watched him look at me.

His face was screwed up in confusion. 

Then, I turned around. 

My face burned as I felt his eyes on me. I knew that he could see the scars the Squip gave me. The reminders of my disobedience.

The reminders of when I turned my back on the person who loved me most.

Oh, how the shame hurt.

“Jeremy, I-” He gasped.

“It made me do things, and if I refused I-” I stopped. The tears were going to start any s econd now.

Michael put his hands on the tops of my shoulders and spun me around.

There was torment in his eyes as they swept over my face. The mole about his lip quivered, and some of his fluffy black hair had fallen into his puffy face. 

I shouldn’t have done that. It just made him more hurt.

I just kept on fucking up, didn’t I?

“I had no idea it was doing that. Jeremy, oh my God, are you ok? Does it hurt?”

My head shook, tears falling down without anything to stop them.

Michael pulled me into his arms, one hand cradling my head and the other resting between my shoulder blades. 

I could feel his hand as it ran over the scars on my back. The gears moving in his head were almost audible as his touch explored the new territory.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he did understand. If he knew that I didn’t care if he had scars, but I didn’t want him to be suffering so much that he need to make new ones.

I wondered if he knew that I just wanted him to be happy.

I just wanted to make him happy, it was the least I could do.

Some tears from his eyes dripped onto me as his grip on me tightened. 

Maybe he did understand.

“Jeremy, I’ve always thought that you were attractive and pretty. This doesn’t change that, but I feel bad. I had no idea. I had no idea that thing was fucking with you like that. I’m so sorry.”

“Well, I didn’t know what you were going through either, s-so how about we s-say that it’s even?”

He laughed. “That’s fine by me.”

I smiled against his t- shirt. Baby steps.

Michael’s hands slid down to mine and pulled me back into the bed.

I couldn’t help but squeal and giggle as I fell on top of him. Despite having cold hands, the rest of Michael was so warm.

We were so close to each other. The ends of my hair brushed against his gorgeous face.

Michael looked so happy in that moment, eyes clear of any pain and lament. I wanted to take a photo to remember this moment forever. 

I leaned down and kissed him, hard. Then an idea popped into my head. 

My tongue slipped into Michael’s mouth, the sweet papaya juice still tickled my tasted buds as I hesitantly explored his mouth.

Michael’s face twisted into a devilish grin as he grabbed my shoulders and flipped me onto my back. 

I gasped as he hovered over me, pressing me into the soft mattress. His hands slid up to my face and gently held me as he kissed me.

Oh God, I hoped that he would never stop kissing me.

We continued to kiss for a while. I sat up a bit, so he could have a better grip on my hair, my hands wandering over my chest and back. 

Michael pulled back for a second, eyes still closed and a big smile on his face as he quietly gasped for air.

I needed some too, or we were going to have to use my inhaler again.

My hands came up to his head, making his forehead rest against mine. My fingers hooked behind his ears, thumbs tracing over the cartilage.

His pulse was throbbing in his ears, fast yet steady.

I laughed to myself and looked down, only to see something unexpected. 

Well, I mean he did have a lot of blood flowing, so I shouldn’t have been that surprised.

I still gasped, warmth spreading all over my face. 

It looked big.

Michael saw me looking and started moving away. 

I pulled him back, kissing him on the neck and trying to ignore the tight feeling in my pants. My hands slid down and grazed over the waistband of his jeans. I wanted it, if he was ok with going that far.

I knew that I definitely wanted to go the distance with Michael, and no one else.

“I, um, don’t have any condoms,” He said a bit sheepishly.

“I have one in my wallet.” 

He blinked a few times as he looked at me, eyebrows raised and jaw slack.   


I shrugged my shoulders and tried to fight my embarrassment. “They handed them out during sex ed freshman year, and I just kept mine. I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to. If just thought-”

“No, I want to, but would you be ok with it?”

I looked back up at Michael. 

He really wanted to do that with me? He thought of me like that? It took all of my willpower to not squeak and throw myself at him in glee.

“I’d definitely be ok with that.” Then, one set back came to mind. “But I don’t have any lube.”

“Oh, I have that.”

It was my turn to look at him in shock.

“It’s a long story, but basically my soda dealer dared me to do it because he thought I didn’t have the confidence to go up and buy some from the old lady working at the register. I keep it under the floorboard, like all of my other important things.”

I snorted and got off of the bed so Michael could reach under without me crushing him.

While he did that, I started rummaging for my wallet in my windbreaker pocket, the condom was in the pocket that I never used. 

Holding the foil packet in my hand, I tried to get my grey jacket to stay on his desk chair.

Suddenly, something pecked my shoulder, and I yipped like a little puppy. When I spun around, my devious boyfriend was smirking at me. “Hey! Is that payback from earlier?” 

Michael laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me back into the bed. 

I groaned at the harsh impact but smiled against his lips. It felt so good, he felt so good. 

Michael’s hand came back up to the back of my head and pulled at the hairs there while he started kissing the side of my neck. 

I moaned, hips twitching up to get closer. 

My pants were starting to get too tight.

I slid my hands under his shirt and started to let my finger traverse his skin. 

Michael shuddered at my touch and gasped against my collarbone.

He just made me feel so warm, I thought I was going to melt.

“You can take it off, if you want.” He murmured against my skin. 

The hairs on my arms stood up. Since when was his voice that deep and why were my pants so uncomfortable to be wearing now?

I removed his glasses and shirt with cation and care, but then I got impatient. His pants needed to come off effective immediately. My fingers fumbled for the button as I tried to get them off of him. 

Why was this so difficult?

Michael noticed my frustration and pulled at my hair a little harder. A loud moan came from me in response.

I finally got the button out of the loop and started pulling his pants down. I faltered for a second as I saw his thighs, but he said that he had gotten rid of all of the stuff.

Michael never lied to me, so why not just enjoy the moment and focus on feeling good now? Past pain could stay in the past.

Michael helped me speed up the process, getting them the rest of the way off. His black boxers and mismatched socks had never looked so good.

Then, he started undoing my belt. The lack of restriction that my jeans were causing me felt so good, but even my loose boxers were still too tight.

After we were both disrobed, we sat there for a minute just taking each other in. 

He was so beautiful.

“So, uh, sh-should I get a towel or…” I looked towards the bathroom.

“Oh-” Michael smacked the side of his head. “- lemme get one. I’ll be right back.”

My heart was racing as he ran into the bathroom. 

He left the door open, but I couldn’t see him. 

The door was open last time.

No. He said that he had gotten rid of everything, Michael wouldn’t lie about that.

He was too nice to mess with me like that.

He was really trying to do better, he was starting to be happy.

Michael walked back in with a black towel in his hand, and a big grin on his face. 

It only got bigger when he saw me. The way his hair was sticking up in odd ways and his chest was moving up and down fast while standing in the pale light made me smile.

The shine he had to his lips and how soft his skin looked did things to me that I didn’t even know where possible. As his eyes flickered over me, I could feel my heart swell with a warm feeling that was so strong and intense.

I’d never felt that before.

Then, a black towel obscured my vision has the sounds of Michael walking towards me grew louder.

I laughed and pulled the towel off of my head while he settled back down next to me. I smoothed out the black fabric and sat on it patiently while Michael squinted at the label of the bottle. His teeth sunk into his bottom lip, and he blew some stray hairs out of his face.

He was scared shitless. 

I grabbed the condom and flicked it at him. It hit him in the forehead. Dead center.

“Wuh- Hey!” He looked down and knitted his eyebrows together as he realized what I had done.

I giggled and gave him a light peck on the cheek. “That was for the towel. Now, you ready?”

He nodded and pulled me in for a kiss. I didn’t even bother to fight him as he slipped his tongue in. 

His other hand slipped down to my groin. Michael palmed at me through my grey boxers. 

Now I really was melting. 

“Mic- Ahhhh” My grip on his neck loosened, and I couldn’t help but sway. The feeling was so intoxicating and blissful.

His fingers were so gentle as they moved in circular motions. Each movement made my nerves feel like they were about to explode with this euphoric feeling.

I noticed that Michael was trying and failing to put on the condom with one hand, so I slid my hands down and rolled it on him. His member twitched at my touch.

It really was big, oh God. 

My virgin ass was about to get destroyed.

I grabbed the lube bottle and squeezed all that could fit into my hand.

Using slow and firm strokes, I lathered the gel all over his dick, making him even more hard. I smiled smugly when I looked up and saw how hot and bothered Michael was. 

He grabbed my shoulders again and lightly guided me down so my back was flushed with the bed. 

I wiped my hands on the black towel beneath my before reaching up and letting my fingers ghost over his torso. 

He shivered at my touch, and I just wanted to watch his face as I explored different parts of him.

Michael’s hands slid down to my waist, applying light pressure. The image of Chole holding me down and pressing her alcohol coated lips against mine was all that I could see. 

Her sharp, pink nails digging into my skin as she put her weight on me, refusing to let me go.

Michael jumped back and put his hands near his head. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

I shook my head and ran a shaky hand through my hair. “No, I just- I don’t want to be on my back. It- I kinda. I dunno. It was-”

A slightly less cold hand cautiously patted my knee. “Hey, Jer, you’re completely fine. I understand not wanting to have someone completely over you. Are you done or do you want to try something else?”

I sat up and gave him a hug. “Something else please, thank you.”   


“Of course, this is supposed to be fun, not scary,” he said as he rubbed small circles into my back.   


I sighed and hugged Michael tighter, nestling my face in the crook of his neck. His pulse was steady and a little less fast, but judging by how his still ever present hard cock pressed against my stomach as we held each other.

The thought of that did make me harder.

“Hey, I think I know what we could do. I could sit on the edge of the bed, and you could be on my lap. That way we can still face each other and kiss and shit, but it will probably be less intense, since this is my first time,” He said, voice so soothing and calm in my ear.

“It’s mine too, and I think that I’d like that. Are you ok with me being on your lap?”

“Jer, just because you are  _ two inches _ taller than me doesn’t mean that you’ll crush me. You weigh almost nothing.”

“Hey, I was working out every morning, I have some muscle now,” I huffed.

“Well, you’re still a bean pole, and I’m still called soft and squishy for a reason. Yes, I am perfectly fine with you being on my lap. In fact-” He kissed me underneath my ear before whispering, “I’d love to be able to hold you close while we do this, I wanna feel your smile against my skin,”

I laughed and gave him a light peck on his shoulder. “There? You happy? Now let’s try it, your dick is so hard, it’s been poking me this entire time.”

He shrugged my shoulders and smiled at me. We shuffled down to the end of the bed.

I stood up as he got seated at the end of the bed. Seeing as there was no such thing as too much lube, and from this angle, it looked even more engorged. I lathered him up some more. Michael only seemed to be enjoying this.

I closed the bottle and wiped my hands off on the towel. 

He slipped my boxers off and ran his fingers up my shaft before I could try to sit on him. 

I gasped and brought a hand up to his mouth. 

His eyes flickered up to mine to see if it was still ok, I nodded and brought my hand down. 

He started pumping slowly, slow movements up and down my member. That euphoric feeling was spreading all over me again. The noises coming out of me weren’t something that I could stop if I tried.

But I wanted to see how it would feel to have him inside, if it already felt his good on the outside. 

I brought my hand down to his and gently took it away, then moving it on my waist. Michael steadied me as I straddled him, shins pressing into the mattress as I positioned myself over him.

“You ready?” He asked.

I nodded and sat down, inhaling sharply as I adjusted to the sharp feeling. It was a lot, it was tight and slightly cold from all of the lube, but then I moved around a little bit.

It shifted around inside of me, still not sitting quite right.

“You ok?”   


I twisted slightly and then that euphoric feeling came back as Michael’s dick grazed a tingling spot inside of me. 

I couldn’t help but sigh and lean against him.“Yeah, I just had to relax. This feels really good.” 

Michael started kissing the side of my neck, his low groans only making the feeling more intense.

I began to move up and down, letting his length slide and hit the spot again softly. It felt kinda wrong, but mostly right.

“Fuck, Jer, that- Oh my God,” Michael muttered, breath hot against my skin.

A whine escaped me as I gripped his shoulders tighter for better leverage. 

He bucked his hips up a little as I came down. 

“Michael! God, do that again!”

I could feel him twitch inside of me as he thrusted up again, hitting the spot harder. All I could see was a blur of dusty pink and soft black hair.

We continued to grind on each other, moving slowly in sync and giving lazy kisses all over the other’s neck and face.

His hand snaked up to the back of my head and pulled at the hair there.

I gasped at the rough movement and rolled my hips a bit harder.

“Fuck, I think I’m-” Michael was gasping for breath.

I laughed and kept on rolling my hips, slamming against the soft spot. My own dick started twitched against Michael’s stomach.

I was so close, it was almost painful. All I could do was hold onto Michael tighter and hope that I would feel the sweet release soon.

Michael hit up hard, and it was all over for me.

Michael, I’m com-” I shuddered as I released all over his stomach.

This was way better than smoking weed.

Soon, Michael stopped and withdrew from me. Still staying close and giving off radiating bodily heat.

I wrapped my arms around him a little tighter, and his hands steadied me at the waist. My neck tucked up on his shoulder and I felt his throbbing pulse as we fought to catch our breath.

He flopped backwards and let me fall on top of him. My forehead just barely grazed his jaw.

“Hey, you ok?” He asked.   


I looked up at him, and there was only fondness and affection in his eyes. No one had ever looked at me like that before.

I wanted more of that.

“I really liked that, that was amazing,” I whispered.

He kissed the top of my forehead. “Yeah, I definitely didn’t hate that.”

I rolled my eyes and snuggled into him, letting all of that fondness sink into me. He really did care. Michael cared about me, and I was happy about it.

“I love you,” He mumbled into the tangly mop of hair on my head. 

It felt even better to hear him say that, especially after everything we just did. A confirmation for the looks I had been seeing him cast. A reassurance that I hadn’t fucked everything up again.

God, what was he doing to me?

“I love you more.” I patted his chest lightly.

“Take that back, not possible.”

“Nope, sucks to suck.”   


“Jeremy Heere, I swear to God-”   


“Oh, please. You know that you can’t do anything-” I looked back up at him. “-If I just look at you a certain way, you lose that ‘tough guy’ act.”   


“Not wrong, but only for you.” 

I fake gagged and laughed as I hugged Michael tighter. “We are the disgusting kind of sweet.”

“I’m not mad about it.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t be.”

“Is that an insult?”   


“No, it’s a fact. Can’t argue with the facts.”

“Yeah-” He started rubbing his thumb up and down my arm. “-Can’t argue with those.”

Eventually, we wiped our various body parts and got cleaned up. There were still a few hours before Nadia would have come back home, so we got under the covers and cuddled against each other, boxers on. 

I held him close to me and ran my fingers through his hair, babbling about how the nurses at the hospital were so weird about giving my dad and me the discharge paperwork. 

Michael’s warm and dark eyes started fluttering shut. I could tell that he was trying hard to stay up, but he was so tired. He never let me mess with his hair unless he was so exhausted that he didn’t care about appearances. 

I was tired too, but watching him drift off into a peaceful slumber was more entertaining. None of the dreams I would have had were anything to compare to watching his pliant lips slightly part and all of the tension in his forehead dissipate as sleep fell over him. 

Michael was so calm, I never got to see him this calm and relaxed.

It almost felt like this was a secret that I was to keep wrapped up in my chest, never to let anyone else see. 

Upstairs, the garage door opened and Nadia called for us.

Shit.

I jumped off of the bed as quietly as I could, scrambling to find my jeans and a shirt.

All I could find were my pants and Michael’s hoodie. I shoved them on and ran up the steps. Going up and making uncomfortable small talk about have been better than her walking in and realizing what had happened. 

I didn’t even know if Michael was out to Nadia and his bio mother.

“Jeremy, there you are! It’s so good to see you up and moving. We were just heartbroken to see you all stuck up in the hospital. Michael barely got any sleep and spent the entire weekend with you. Wouldn’t even go shopping with me to redecorate his room.” 

She set down her bag on the counter and smiled at me, her kinky hair falling into her eyes.

Nadia’s inky black eyes scanned over me, eyebrow raised and lips curled into a smirk. “He let you wear his hoodie, huh?”

“I, uh, got cold.” I shifted and ran a hand through my hair, feeling all of the bits that had been sticking up.

Dammit.

“I see. Well, you aren’t wearing a shirt, so being cold isn’t that out of the question. Is he passed out?”   


The heat in my cheeks was almost scolding. “Erm, yeah?”

“Oh, at least he likes the bed. He hadn’t tested it out yet, but I’m sure that if it’s still standing then it’s pretty good.”

Nadia stepped forward, the edges of her scrubs came into my downcast view.

“I’m-”   


“Hey, Jeremy?”   


I looked up at her, there was a sweet smile similar to Michael’s on her face.

“You know that I don’t care as long as you too are being safe, and he doesn’t bruise you up too bad.”   


My hand came up to my neck and the pressure made some of the sore spots sting.

“I’m not going to say anything to your father until I know that you are ok with it. Or to Michael. He doesn’t know that I know he’s gay. But he does blush every time I bring you up in conversation.”

“Really?”

“Yep. You had the poor boy wrapped around your little finger. Now-” She put her hands on my shoulder. “-You gotta be gentle with him, ok? Michael’s good at keeping things from me and doesn’t ask for help if he needs it. If you notice anything, please keep me in the loop and help him out. He needs you.”   


I nodded, my head feeling like it was about to snap off of my neck.

“Good, now I got home a little earlier than I expected. I invited your dad to come over at seven. It’s just past five now, so how about you get some sleep and come up to help set up dinner with Michael around six forty-five?”   


“Thank you, Mrs. Mell.”   


“Oh, just Nadia is fine, or Ms. Mell if you must address me formally.”

I nodded and started to head downstairs to crash against the now snoring Michael. 

Ms. Mell? But I was there when his mothers got married. What else happened while I was off being an idiot?

All of those worrying thoughts slipped away as I crawled under the covers and wrapped my arms around Michael. His slow breathing and steady pulse lulled me to a state of drowsiness.

With my face pressed against the smooth back of his shoulder, I gave it a tiny kiss before succumbing to the enticing call of slumber.

Maybe my dreams would be better now that he was in them, I knew that I certainly wanted him in all of them. 

I hadn’t fucked this up yet, and that was enough.


End file.
